Landrobe - Natsukawa, Sanae 砂茄恵 【さなえ】 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likesand_inaglass) wrote2020-02-17 07:43 pm
likesand_inaglass) wrote2020-02-17 07:43 pm
[Short Story - Existence]
"Hey, Soran, do you exist?"
Soran lowered his burger to stare at Sanae-- they had both opted to use a day where the latter was feeling "okay" to go out and get some food together, though Soran was rethinking the whole "okay" part, at that moment.
"What brought on a question like that?" "Just answer it, okay? Do you exist?"
Soran put down his burger, eyebrow quirked behind his glasses. "Yes, I exist. Much as you do, Sanae."
Sanae, who had been picking at his fries a bit, seemed a little pensive and out of it. This was normal when winter came around, anyway. The weather getting cold highlighted his poor overall health.
But questions of existence were new.
"I mean, I exist. But do we actually exist as we should? Like..." He tapped a fry on the plate. "I guess consider a possibility that we're not supposed to exist, like how we are now. What if you weren't supposed to be here, at the age you're at? That you're not supposed to know the people you know?"
Soran didn't really know what brought this on, but then again, Sanae had been kinda spacey for a long while, now. So, he humored him a little. "Well, I gotta wonder. I think it's entirely "right" that I'd be here, at this point, at this age, and to know the people I know... Because thinking of the alternative feels a little worse."
"Why do you think it'd be worse?"
"Well, I'm mostly thinking about onee-san... You know how mom only really let up on her after I was born, right? What would've happened if I was born only more recently? Or if I had been the older sibling instead? Would it be worse if one thing had happened over the other, or would it be better if I had come first?" Soran took a drink of his soda, shrugging a little. "I don't think anyone would know all of the what-ifs, so I just have to accept that who and what I am right now is the right thing."
Sanae sighed a little, nibbling on a fry, finally. "I guess it's weird to think about." "Extremely." "But, I guess I can't help but think some weird things, recently. It makes me, I dunno...
It makes me question if you're real. If I'm real. If my parents are real. Something feels like it's... missing from our life, or something isn't aligning right with what I feel like I should know."
Soran tried to think. This seemed pretty serious, but Sanae wasn't the type who'd want to get help about... anything. "How long have you felt like things might not be real, anyway?"
"Hnmm... a long while, I guess. Over a year?" "That long? You sure hide borderline solipsism well." "What can I say, I have a great poker face." "Only because those face muscles of yours don't work."
That wasn't far off. Thanks to Sanae's health, he couldn't emote too well. Something he hoped he'd be able to fix soon... Not that he'd mentioned that to Soran yet.
"Still, you really think things aren't real, since that long? I mean, I can assure you that I'm real, that Shouya's real, that Senko and Sanka are both real, too. And Sumiho, I guess. But I guess that isn't going to help whatever is going on in your head, right?"
Sanae nodded. Sure, he knew that Soran was right there, talking. And that everyone else was there, too. But... Something itched at him. Making him feel doubtful.
".. You know, Sumiho's really weird, isn't he?" "Wow, you just noticed that? What brought on the thought?"
Sanae leaned back a bit. "Well, there's another him that exists, right? Who's only a kid? But we know the one of him that's another age. Why is he here? And how do we know him, anyway?"
"A little late to be thinking about that, isn't it? And we met him at school. As for why he's here-- he's basically some sort of otherworldly thing in reality, right? Like his mom is? We can't understand the whims of people like that." Soran was a little dismissive of it, but it bugged Sanae.
Of course, Sanae adored Sumiho, but it also felt like... the one thing that didn't fit too well in everything. If Sumiho was from another time, then why or how...?
"You should really stop scratching at your throat like that. It can't be good for it." Soran's voice broke Sanae out of his thoughts, when he noticed that he was, indeed, scratching with a finger at his throat.
He wasn't sure when or where he'd picked up that habit, honestly. He should really stop that. But it felt like... an escape?
... hnm, an escape, but why...?
"You're doing it again. If you keep dazing off like that, I'm going to steal your fries."
That made Sanae pull his plate closer, giving a slight glower. "I'm still working on them." "Well work on them faster, before they go stone cold."
Sanae gave a derisive sound, nibbling on a new french fry.
... dangit, he had forgotten what he was even thinking about.
Soran lowered his burger to stare at Sanae-- they had both opted to use a day where the latter was feeling "okay" to go out and get some food together, though Soran was rethinking the whole "okay" part, at that moment.
"What brought on a question like that?" "Just answer it, okay? Do you exist?"
Soran put down his burger, eyebrow quirked behind his glasses. "Yes, I exist. Much as you do, Sanae."
Sanae, who had been picking at his fries a bit, seemed a little pensive and out of it. This was normal when winter came around, anyway. The weather getting cold highlighted his poor overall health.
But questions of existence were new.
"I mean, I exist. But do we actually exist as we should? Like..." He tapped a fry on the plate. "I guess consider a possibility that we're not supposed to exist, like how we are now. What if you weren't supposed to be here, at the age you're at? That you're not supposed to know the people you know?"
Soran didn't really know what brought this on, but then again, Sanae had been kinda spacey for a long while, now. So, he humored him a little. "Well, I gotta wonder. I think it's entirely "right" that I'd be here, at this point, at this age, and to know the people I know... Because thinking of the alternative feels a little worse."
"Why do you think it'd be worse?"
"Well, I'm mostly thinking about onee-san... You know how mom only really let up on her after I was born, right? What would've happened if I was born only more recently? Or if I had been the older sibling instead? Would it be worse if one thing had happened over the other, or would it be better if I had come first?" Soran took a drink of his soda, shrugging a little. "I don't think anyone would know all of the what-ifs, so I just have to accept that who and what I am right now is the right thing."
Sanae sighed a little, nibbling on a fry, finally. "I guess it's weird to think about." "Extremely." "But, I guess I can't help but think some weird things, recently. It makes me, I dunno...
It makes me question if you're real. If I'm real. If my parents are real. Something feels like it's... missing from our life, or something isn't aligning right with what I feel like I should know."
Soran tried to think. This seemed pretty serious, but Sanae wasn't the type who'd want to get help about... anything. "How long have you felt like things might not be real, anyway?"
"Hnmm... a long while, I guess. Over a year?" "That long? You sure hide borderline solipsism well." "What can I say, I have a great poker face." "Only because those face muscles of yours don't work."
That wasn't far off. Thanks to Sanae's health, he couldn't emote too well. Something he hoped he'd be able to fix soon... Not that he'd mentioned that to Soran yet.
"Still, you really think things aren't real, since that long? I mean, I can assure you that I'm real, that Shouya's real, that Senko and Sanka are both real, too. And Sumiho, I guess. But I guess that isn't going to help whatever is going on in your head, right?"
Sanae nodded. Sure, he knew that Soran was right there, talking. And that everyone else was there, too. But... Something itched at him. Making him feel doubtful.
".. You know, Sumiho's really weird, isn't he?" "Wow, you just noticed that? What brought on the thought?"
Sanae leaned back a bit. "Well, there's another him that exists, right? Who's only a kid? But we know the one of him that's another age. Why is he here? And how do we know him, anyway?"
"A little late to be thinking about that, isn't it? And we met him at school. As for why he's here-- he's basically some sort of otherworldly thing in reality, right? Like his mom is? We can't understand the whims of people like that." Soran was a little dismissive of it, but it bugged Sanae.
Of course, Sanae adored Sumiho, but it also felt like... the one thing that didn't fit too well in everything. If Sumiho was from another time, then why or how...?
"You should really stop scratching at your throat like that. It can't be good for it." Soran's voice broke Sanae out of his thoughts, when he noticed that he was, indeed, scratching with a finger at his throat.
He wasn't sure when or where he'd picked up that habit, honestly. He should really stop that. But it felt like... an escape?
... hnm, an escape, but why...?
"You're doing it again. If you keep dazing off like that, I'm going to steal your fries."
That made Sanae pull his plate closer, giving a slight glower. "I'm still working on them." "Well work on them faster, before they go stone cold."
Sanae gave a derisive sound, nibbling on a new french fry.
... dangit, he had forgotten what he was even thinking about.